Feeling comfortable with anxiety

Have you ever been so comfortable in feeling anxious that you don’t even know how to feel comfortable in the calmness of peace? 

This week is a really exciting one for us! 4 years ago I invested in a property in Texas at just the right time, I’ve put a ton of work into it and on Friday we are selling it for enough money to leave us debt free going into our marriage! It’s an absolute amazing blessing, and somehow I’m having a hard time receiving that blessing. How’s that even possible? I should be jumping up and down with joy right?  

Well I’ve been thinking allot about it and of course conversing with Zane in regard to it. And I’ve realized that my whole life all I’ve ever known is chaos and a high pressure way of life. Growing up in a split home, traveling between states a couple times a year for almost 18 years, parents struggling to make ends meet, having lived in 4 different states now and at least 10 towns, dealing with toxicity in relationships since I was 18 years old, being a competitive barrel racer (barrel horses are allot of maintenance), never being able to rely on anyone but myself and my hard work, all of that will build you up into a self driven, tenacious and strong person. But it won’t help you accept the reward and feel the peace you’ve been searching for when you finally reach a goal you’ve always been working towards. 

It took me allot longer than Zane to say “I love you”, I was so busy looking for red flags and trying to find “the catch” to someone being so loving and generous that I had a hard time accepting that he was as amazing as he truly is! He told me from the get go how he envisioned being a provider for his family and relieving the financial pressure off of me so I could focus on being a mom eventually. I thought he was so sweet for that. I had only ever been with men that wanted everything to be split 50/50 up till Zane came along. At one point I was dating someone who had high dollar taste so I was very nerve wrecked in trying to envision our future where I could always provide the income to support that lifestyle. (First thing you should know about real estate is that sometimes you make allot in a month and sometimes you make nothing…) 

I’ve truly never met someone who wanted to support me financially without manipulating me and holding it over my head, I’ve always been so scared to “give that control” to someone. My dad told me when I started dating in my 30’s that one of the most important things to figure out about a man is how he plans to run his household. Because it’s not a 50/50 kinda thing, he told me stories of our childhood when him and Teresa (my bonus mom) had to make ends meet and she could not financially pay 50/50 when raising us kids. It’s truly unrealistic to expect that. I was very glad to have had that conversation with him while I embarked on that dating journey looking for the right man to marry! (Ladies, I promise there’s good ones out there!) You truly never know where you’ll find one, try a tractor dealership lol!! 

Now fast forward to our plan for after we close on the house! Zane makes enough money to cover our normal life bills, but I am too busy minded to simply not work. So I will always work and sell real estate, but to not have to sell 2-3 houses a month to make enough to cover just my bills is going to feel amazing! I’m going to work hard on embracing that peace and focusing on what this next chapter brings, motherhood and becoming the best homemaker I can be for our family! While still working as much as I want to, not as much as I have to!! 

Real estate has proven to be unpredictable at times so I think that’s where my lack of excitement comes from at the moment, it’s not over till it’s over and I’ll be holding my breath and praying hard till Friday (closing day) lol. Zane literally told me I need to get to packing and get excited because it’s actually happening!! Hard work and having faith pay off, I’m so grateful for this home I’ve built over the last 4 years, moving and change is intimidating but the opportunity for us and the future of our children where we’re headed is incredible! God is good all the time! 

Here is a great article I found if you want to open your Bible and seek out the word of God to help guide you thru your current anxiety! 

https://www.ramseysolutions.com/personal-growth/bible-verses-for-anxiety#:~:text=“Be%20anxious%20for%20nothing%2C%20but,and%20minds%20through%20Christ%20Jesus.”